I had high hopes for the new year that I would be positive and full of vigor and happiness about what the year ahead may bring. But, it hasn’t been like that at all. It’s been tough. Very tough. Communication with Barry has deteriorated and working full time with even less help is taking it’s toll. I am writing this with lead weights attached to my eyes but it’s the first opportunity I’ve had in a while. My first bit of ‘me’ time in ages.
New Year was a low point for me and I’ve been desperately trying to drag myself out of it since. It was depressing. Laying in bed with the baby next to me at 10.30 pm on New Year’s Eve; I couldn’t tear myself from the thought that my family is ruined. I hated the idea that we would not be bringing in the new year together. I found myself wallowing in self pity. No husband, working full time and a toddler to look after. I couldn’t sleep. I knew Barry was out with a load of friends I’d never met and I was sure he would have plenty of girls to share the moment with at midnight. Maybe one girl who is probably prettier, younger and slimmer than me. The thoughts swam around my head like tiny sharks eating away every crumb of positive thinking. Midnight came and went without a text from Barry to say happy new year. And this, for me, confirmed that he was simply having too much of a good time to bother. He told me the next day that he’d written the text out but then didn’t send it in case I thought he was a p***k.
Since then things between us have just got worse. After the Christmas holidays I told him I wanted an answer as to whether he wanted to work on the marriage or not. He gave the usual answer: I don’t know. I told him I’d had enough of waiting around to see if my husband actually wants me or not! So I went upstairs and emptied all his drawers and the wardrobe and threw them in a pile on the living room floor. I told him to have them packed away before the baby woke up. (This was when he was still staying over to look after the baby.) The next morning he made sure he had all his clothes and took them. Then things became even worse.
He had Hector last Saturday night and I stayed at my sisters house. The plan being that I could work the next day to try and catch up with my marking. The next morning I had a text from him to say that he was ill and couldn’t look after the baby by himself. So, I no longer can mark, I go home to help with the baby. Barry has a nice little sleep on the couch and then starts to get ready to leave after hector has his lunch. “Aren’t you staying with him? It’s your day” I ask. “No, it’s the afternoon now. I’ve got to wash my uniform,” he replies. I’m not very happy about this and quickly stand up to go in the kitchen shoving a toy out of the way. “Where are you going to wash it?” I ask. “None of your business” he says. This hurts. “And enough with the f**king attitude, in case you haven’t noticed I’ve been f**king ill.” This was hard to take. Barry very rarely swears at me, only occasionally in extreme circumstances, and this didn’t seem very extreme. Two things upset me about this:
1. Barry always puts his work first. It didn’t matter to him that I had missed a day of marking to help him, he left me with the baby to wash his uniform.
2. I was tired of being made to feel terrible in my own house. It occurred to me that I am letting him use the house to have the baby while I have find somewhere to stay. He was having it far too easy. He was still treating my house like it was his home, except he got to make me feel worthless and uncomfortable while he was there. I text him that night and told him I didn’t want him at the house any more. He didn’t put up much of a fight. So, tonight is the first night that he has taken the baby to stay at his friends. Hence the ‘me’ time.
I will admit that I am looking forward to a full night’s sleep. People started commenting on how tired I looked today. However, my mum and sister are not so happy about the situation (Hector staying in someone’s house we don’t know) but they are not being woken up all night and doing a full days work. It’s exhausting! And he is with his dad who will take good care of him. I just hope Barry realises that this is a permanent arrangement and he has something sorted for Saturday night too.
Hopefully a full nights sleep will set me on the road to positive thinking again. My new year resolutions are to look after myself and treat myself now and then to some clothes or a massage. And to spend lots of quality time with Hector. The year ahead is full of wonderful possibilities and adventures and I need to make sure I enjoy them. I have birthday parties and meals coming up, a spa day with my mum and sister, the possibility of a new job on the horizon and, the most exciting, my best friend has asked me to be her Maid of Honour and her daughter’s Godmother! I am really excited about this. I love wedding planning and I’ve already dragged her to one wedding fair.
The wedding will be in December, twelve months from now. Who knows what wonderful things will be happening in my life by then?