Looks mean nothing if you have no soul.
By ‘looks’ I’m not just talking about the physical appearance of the ex and his slapper, although this is what started me using this mantra. I have to admit that when I discovered the affair I was left feeling inadequate. When I was faced with her size 6 tanned body and double D’s, I felt like crap. He’s obviously moved on and found someone better than me, I thought. It didn’t take long to remind myself that it really doesn’t matter what she looks like. If they’re the type of people who would have a three-year affair and destroy so many lives then I’d rather look like Quasimodo. Also, the fact that she has a face like a slapped arse and is just fake tan and tits helps me to remember that looks aren’t everything. Then there are the material things. He had moved into a bigger house, was driving a flash car and was turning up in new clothes. These things again would make me sad and angry (he pays £7 a week for his son and left me with £8000 of debt) that he had a better life now. But has he? It turns out they are a pair of benefit fraudsters who enjoy swindling the system while working on the side. The flash car turned out to be a mobility car from her disability living allowance. Apparently she has a heart condition and he is her carer. If having a heart condition allows you to smoke twenty a day, work as a mobile beautician and exercise regularly, then it sounds good to me. But again, I would rather have my integrity. So is she really prettier? Is he wealthier? It’s all a show. Remember what is truly valuable in your life.
They have to demonise you
One of the things I have found difficult to understand throughout this is how badly he treats me. He is the one who had the affair, told absolute whopper lies like ‘the baby has brought on PTSD and I need time to think’ (Yes, he was so low that he used both his army days and his own child as an excuse for treating us like dirt), but still, he treats me like the bad guy. I always found that this cut to the core as I tried hard to be a good wife and mother, and I loved him and showed him this often. He also knew me! He knew I was/am a good person. Suddenly, he was talking to me like I was some money-grabbing bitch who wanted to palm the baby off on him so I could go out, get drunk and sleep around! He still refuses to have our son overnight because of this. Eh? What planet is he on? One day in work I telling my woes to a colleague and she said this to me; “They have to demonise you. All they have had for three years is secrets and lies and now they have to make you the baddie in order to justify themselves. It helps them sleep at night.” It was suddenly crystal clear. I never let it get to me again. If he needs to blame me to help him sleep at night then that’s up to him. I know I’m a good person, and so does my son, and that’s all that matters to me.
Trust your gut
Better late than never. After living with a cheater for so long you will have come accustomed to setting aside that gut feeling and thinking ‘logically’. I allowed my ex to manipulate me and I had absolutely no idea he was doing it. If something feels like it’s not quite right, you can be damn sure that it’s not right! Trust yourself. One of the ways my ex manipulated me was to buy me presents of chocolate, and I don’t just mean a bar of chocolate, I’m talking about a whole tub of choc nibbs, huge limited addition Lindor boxes, giant bars of galaxy, the kind they only bring out at Christmas time. He was a personal trainer but he would never train with me or do anything energetic. All the time he was whipping his new woman into shape. This type of manipulation can be hard to spot, but there are the usual things like hiding the phone, or not telling you passwords, getting home slightly late etc. Trust yourself. Even though I failed to trust my gut before I do now. When he comments on me being a bad mother and not wanting my child (he doesn’t even have him once a week), I know that I’m not. When he says it’s my fault that he is not seeing his son, I know that it’s not. When he tells me I use my child as a weapon, I know that I don’t. I am confident in my qualities as a person, values and abilities as a good mother.
Happiness is the greatest revenge
My auntie said this to me when the ex had left but I didn’t know about the slapper. She could obviously sniff it a mile off, she’s been through the mill. There is a point when discovering this awful thing has happened to you that you feel you will never be happy again. That is not true. Things can be very difficult when coming to grips with being a single mum. There is no one there to take the bins out, or bring you a cup of tea when you’ve been sitting in one position for hours without moving when the baby is ill. There is no one to clean the sick while you nurse the sick baby. If you didn’t have time to do the dishes before a horrendous two-hour screaming bedtime, they will still be there no matter how tired you are. Many a night I washed dishes, clothes, tidied up and got everything ready for the next day, all through tears of tiredness and anger. But you find a way; you find coping mechanisms. You settle into a routine. Then you start to appreciate the good things about your new life. You no longer have a grown gobshite to look after as well as a baby. Your spare time (if any), your thoughts, your feeling, are all your own. You start being thankful that he has gone. And this is when your happiness will come. When you get to be the person you want to be. Challenge yourself to new things. I chose to get fitter, eat better, bought a new bed, sleep better, read more, write more. And even though I know the healing process is ongoing, the happiness oozes from me now. I no longer have to pretend I’m happy. I just am! And he hates it.
Keep your side of the street clean
Never be tempted to stoop to the gobshite’s level. Stick to the facts, try not to endlessly text argue (this took work), and play it by the book. Karma is a bitch and hopefully one day you will get to watch it work. Be true to your values.
Every day I wake up and thank God that the twat is no longer in my life 🙂